Making Relationships Work (According to the Gottman Method)

Relationships

Mar 13

Many of us grew up believing in happily ever after. Fairy tales and rom-coms might have taught you that love should be effortless. That our perfect person is just around the corner, and that a great relationship will simply fall into place. We imagine that the right person will instinctively understand us, know how to make us happy, and that when love is meant to be, it will always be easy. But the truth is, lasting love isn’t effortless. And that’s actually a good thing.

When our real-life relationships don’t match the fantasies we grew up with, it’s easy to feel frustrated, disappointed, or even like we’re doomed to be alone. But the reality of love has much more depth than any fairytale. So, how does real love compare to the love we imagined?

What Lasting Love Really Looks Like

Real love includes routine, challenges, and effort. It’s nice to believe that the right person will just get us without much explanation, but true understanding takes communication and work.

Disagreements are inevitable in every relationship, but how a couple navigates them can make or break them. While we may have imagined that relationships will be magical and effortless, the truth is that strong and lasting love takes skill and intentionality.

It might initially feel disappointing that love isn’t just about passion and fate, but it’s actually good news because that means that love isn’t about luck. Our relationship success is within our control, it’s about the choices we make everyday.

What to Aim for Instead, According to The Gottman Method

John Gottman is a relationship expert known to be able to predict divorce with 91% accuracy after decades of research. His research shows that we don’t need to find the perfect person. Instead, we need a strong foundation and friendship with the partner we choose. Here are some of Gottman’s findings:

Friendship > Fireworks

We don’t need to chase after passion. The strongest couples are those who genuinely like each other. Gottman’s research shows that happy couples prioritize friendship. They laugh together, show interest in each other’s lives, and maintain a foundation of respect. Instead of chasing constant butterflies, focus on strengthening your friendship with your partner. Are you best friends? Do you know who they are, who they were, and who they want to be? Chemistry is fantastic, but it can also be fleeting. Long-lasting love is rooted in connection.

Repairing After Fights

Fights don’t end relationships—unresolved fights do. Healthy couples don’t avoid conflict; they learn to repair quickly. Even after an intense argument, they apologize, reconnect, and move forward together. It’s not about never hurting each other (we are only human), it’s about making things right when you do.

Turning Toward Each Other

The small moments matter! Send that text to let your partner know you were thinking of them. Give them the compliment. Smile when you make eye contact. These small interactions matter more than the grand gestures. When your partner comments on something they notice, do you ignore them, or do you engage? This comment is an example of what The Gottman Institute calls a bid for connection. Whether it’s sharing a funny story, asking for advice, or simply making eye contact, these bids create the foundation of emotional connection. The strongest couples don’t just love each other, they consistently show up for each other throughout everyday

What Does it Mean to be Compatible?

It’s common to hear couples say that they broke up because they were “too different”. We might assume that happy couples are pretty much aligned. But Gottman’s research tells a different story: Even the most successful couples have unsolvable conflicts! The difference is that they manage their arguments with kindness and respect. Instead of looking for your perfect match, focus on building something where it is safe to disagree and the conflicts are handled carefully, with the perspective that you’re still on the same team as your partner.

Shared Meaning

Long-term happiness isn’t only about love, it’s also about building a life together that feels meaningful. Whether it’s family traditions, shared goals, or inside jokes, strong couples create a life that reflects them. They work together to grow together, and to build a life that feels uniquely their own.

Real Love Keeps Going

It’s easy to feel discouraged when love doesn’t look like your favorite romcom. But real, lasting love- love that is built on trust, repair, and connection- is better than a simple fairytale. It’s not about waiting for perfection- it’s about showing up, putting in the effort, and choosing each other every day. Real love grows in the small choices and moments. When we listen, respond, and turn toward each other. Happy relationships don’t avoid challenges, they embrace them as a couple. The best love stories aren’t written by fate. They’re created through intention, kindness, and commitment, one moment at a time.

To learn more about my work and approach, please send me an email to: melanie@alvaradotherapy.org

References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/#:~:text=A%20bid%20is%20any%20attempt,or%20any%20other%20positive%20connection.